Funny, here, means one joke the couple already laughs at. It does not mean a roast, a bit, or a tour of their dating history. Be light in the welcome. Be plain when you ask them to promise.
Alex and Maria are fictional. So is anyone else named on this page.
283 spoken words. At 130 words a minute, that is 2 minutes 11 seconds. Stage directions are not in that count.
Typical full ceremony plan
A plan for the whole ceremony: welcome, readings, vows, and the quiet parts around them. It is not the length of the sample below. This outline adds up to 16 minutes.
Welcome2 min
The story, with one joke4 min
Vows, said straight4 min
Rings2 min
Pronouncement2 min
Close2 min
Sample script
Welcome
Welcome. I was told to be funny, and I was also told not to mention the camping trip, so you can relax. Some of you. Alex, you can stop looking at the side door.
We are here because these two are getting married. I will tell one story. Then they will make a promise, and I will get out of the way.
The story
One joke. Then stop.
Alex still owes Maria a rematch at the mini-golf place on 4th Street, the one with the windmill. He hit the blade, blamed the wind, and wrote "wind" on the scorecard. Maria has not let the scorecard go. She keeps it in a book, which is either love or evidence.
Under that joke is a plainer fact. When Maria’s sister was in the hospital, Alex took the night shift without announcing it. He did not post about it. He just went. That is the story I trust.
Vows
Drop the comic voice. Speak slower than the welcome.
Alex, the windmill is closed for the next two minutes. Do you take Maria to be your spouse? Will you tell her the truth, including the boring truth, and stay when the joke is not available?
Wait for: I do.
Maria, do you take Alex, scorecard and all, to be your spouse? Will you laugh when it is actually funny, and tell him when you need him to be serious?
Wait for: I do.
Rings
The rings are not a punchline. Alex, put the ring on Maria’s hand. Maria, put the ring on Alex’s hand. You can be funny again at dinner.
Pronouncement
You are married. Kiss if you want to. The scorecard can stay in the book.
Close
Thank you for laughing in the right places and staying quiet in the others. If you give a toast later, roast the mini-golf, not the marriage.
What to change
- Use a joke both of them already tell. If you have to explain it to a table, cut it.
- If only one partner finds it funny, it does not go in.
- Keep the vows free of bits. A promise that winks is hard to hear later.
- Do not tell a story they asked you to leave out, even if the room would love it.
Questions
How funny should an officiant be?
One or two lines the couple already laughs at. Then the vows should be plain. A roast is a speech, not a wedding.
What if the joke only lands with half the guests?
That is fine, if both partners are in on it. Cut it if one of them has to endure it.
Can the whole ceremony be a comedy set?
You can try. The promise will get lost. Be funny in the welcome, and be straight when you ask them.
Write theirs
Answer 14 questions about the couple. Read the welcome and the first story paragraph free. The full ceremony is $19 once, with timings, stage directions, and a PDF for the podium.